I recently had a conversation with a friend that inspired me to start writing a series of social etiquette posts regarding taking public transportation. This is something most of us have to confront at some point or another during our lives, we all need to commute to certain locations where parking is limited, or go through a phase of our lives car-less. That being said this is also a subject that is often swept under the floor mat and ignored, while it is actually pretty important (hey, no one wants to get into a scuffle on the bus for making a faux pas).
What makes me an expert here? Well, I’ve been taking public transportation in one form or another since high school, and in some cases had to go through some dodgy neighborhoods - I’m not claiming I have a degree in this field, but I got a bus load of experience (no pun intended). This first issue is a pretty common situation and learning the essential skills that I describe below will get you through such events:
How does one avoid the crazies/mischievous whist taking public transportation?
- Eye Contact: No no no! Absolutely (I cannot stress this enough) refrain from making any direct glances. This will encourage and compel the subject, and before you know it, he or she (or it in many cases) will be right next to you in a heartbeat looking straigt back like a starstruck tween groupie.
- Conversations: Engaging in any dialogue will result in a worse outcome, the development of a bond and some type of understanding. Dodge attempts like a running back dodges a linebacker, and if you do get reeled in be as short and nice as possible. Ultimate exit strategy, act like your cell phone is getting a call, press some buttons to make it light up and act like it’s on silent mode.
- What if they sit next to you? Politely get up, head towards one of the exits, and pretend like your stop is coming up soon (even if it isn’t). Remember that scene from Independence Day where there was a large group of onlookers on top of an LA skyscraper welcoming the alien invasion? Well yeah…that’s what will happen to you if you stay.
- Acting crazier than the crazy may spare you: You’re probably asking yourself, “what? huh?” about now, but let me explain. If all else fails, this can get you out of the situation, trust me crazy people don’t want to talk to other crazy people…it’s like looking in a broken mirror. Similarly, over apply perfume or cologne, this is guaranteed to give you a 1 seat buffer cause no one wants to get punched in the nose by your overpowering scent (no matter how good it smells in a smaller dose - I’ll cover this more in detail during a later post) this effectively creates a protective barrier Star Trek style (shields up!).
- Next one is the best one: Lastly, if you have time, you can always get off at the next stop and wait for the next bus. I only really do this if there’s a surge of crazies on a certain bus, i.e. the insane asylum just let out for lunch, or there’s a particularly crazy person on the bus that looks and smells like they just arrived from the Jurassic period and are holding the bus for ransom by using their bodily fluids as projectiles.
These rules should allow you to safely, and in some cases elegantly side step weird yet common occurances that may happen to any of us. Remember, knowing is half the battle.
